Of Grace and Gratitude

The first phrase that came to mind when I sat down to write this was, "have an attitude of gratitude!"  That, and "remember to count your blessings!"  While both of these could be helpful in reminding us to be thankful, they make me cringe ever so slightly, like hearing fingernails on a chalkboard.  Those phrases come across, to me, as requiring a joy-filled heart even to start.  Or at least causing a, "By golly, nothings ever going to get me down again!" reaction once the attitude has been changed and the blessings have been counted.  You see, I'm slightly pessimistic.  Add that to my struggles with depression and I quite often find it hard to believe that my joy-filled heart will remain so for long.  That's life in this sinful world.  Sorrows come.  But the Lord is a gracious and loving Lord who has, in reality, filled our lives with every good and perfect thing.  It's just hard to see all that abundance in our own lives.  It's easy to see it in other people's lives.  Ever notice that?  The grass is always greener...

So, let's start a Gratitude Journal!  Let's stop looking out at everyone else's seemingly perfect lives and let's look down and see the gracious gifts we have right at our own feet.  Let's reflect at the end of each day and make a conscious effort to acknowledge the bits of happiness we experienced during the day.  My Gratitude Journal is a small spiral notebook I picked up at Target or some such place.  I keep it in a drawer by my bed along with a pen.  And, when I remember, I write down the things that made me smile that day; the things that brought me joy.  I write down things like "Mouse's giggle", or "Creamy coffee on the patio, listening to the birds sing", or "a drive in the fall colors."  Some days there doesn't seem there's much to write so I write the basics.  Our health, my hubby, the dog, food on the table.  Doesn't really matter what gets written.  It doesn't have to be anything poetic, either!  Just get into the habit of acknowledging the good.  Eventually, we'll begin to see good in everything we have.  And the more we see good in what we have, the less we will look elsewhere for what we think we need.  God is good.  And so is everything He gives to us.

Gratitude is the heart's memory.

                  -  French proverb

 

 

A Visitor

We had the priviledge of having Pastor Yohana Nzelu, the Headmaster of Mwadui Lutheran Secondary School in Tanzania, Africa visit with us over the weekend.  He is the same pastor my husband met and spent time working with when he was in Africa this past May. 

What an incredible visit it was!  Pastor was our special guest for our mission Sunday and he preached which was a real treat for us.  He needed some coaxing from Hubs, though, because he was afraid his native accent would be too hard for us to understand.  I'm so glad Pastor Nzelu agreed to it.  Later that afternoon, he presented some information about the Lutheran school in Mwadui and its current needs.  There are many!  They live so simply over there, it makes my attempts at living simply look much too complicated and cluttered yet.  But even with their simple lifestyle, they lack some of the basics.  The school is a boarding school because many of the students come from up to 100 miles away.  The public school system is lacking, to say the least, so when there is an opportunity for families to send their children to a private school they will do it.

So, the boys need a new dormitory.  Right now, all of the boys (over 100) are divided into two classrooms.  Their beds are lined up head to toe, and wall to wall.  The school is in need of a new kitchen and a multipurpose room.  The multi purpose room will be used as a dining hall, a chapel, and as a meeting place for various groups.  Right now the children eat outside under the trees which is fine for half the year.  But during the rainy season, it is not so comfortable.  Chapel services, prayer services and the like are held in classrooms and hallways - where ever they might be able to fit the children.  So a multipurpose room would be so beneficial!  They are in need of fencing around the entire school.  Some of the children are orphans and are in need of sponsorship.  This is a need that really hit home with me.  Hubs and I will be looking into this further, praying about it, and hopefully will be able to sponsor one of the orphaned children so that he/she can continue to receive an education, along with special love and letters from the United States. 

By the grace of God, we were able to send Pastor home with a generous check from our congregation.  He also received gifts from my in-laws' church in Tennessee.  It was just so amazing to see God at work in these three congregations which, geographically, are so far apart from one another.  It is such a blessing to know such generous people who are willing to help see the Lord's work is done.  What a weekend!

Reflection on a Funeral

I attended a funeral service last week.  I didn't know the family very well.  Only the sister of the deceased.  But I attended anyway.  And I'm glad I did.  I found the service so calming and centering.


In the service book we use, the service begins with the invocation and a remembrance of our baptism.  We are reminded that we have been baptized into Christ's death.  We are reminded that just as Christ was raised from the dead, "we too might walk in newness of life."  We are reminded that we will have a resurrection like His.

The Psalm and the readings are always so comforting, full of the reminders of God's love for us that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us.  And more of God's love that when we stand before Him in Heaven we will see Him with our own eyes and will not be turned away.  They are full of the reminders that whatever may pursue us here on earth, whatever may haunt us or harm us, it has no hold over us.  We will be free!

We speak the Creed during the funeral service.  We are reminded that, during this sad time full of tears and fears, we can find strength and comfort in one another as the body of Christ.  We share the same faith and are not alone in our weeping.  We pray the Lord's Prayer and again act boldly, trusting in His promises.

The Nunc Dimittis is probably what I found most beautiful.  It begins with the words of Jesus from the book of John, chapter 11. 

"I am the resurrection and the life," says the Lord.  "He who believes in Me will live, even though he dies; and whoever lives and believes in Me will never die."

Then the song of Simeon from Luke is spoken by the people.  God's word has been fulfilled.  We have seen it.  We can go home. 

I know that this funeral service is meant to focus on the life the deceased now has in Christ.  And I know it's odd that I find the service comforting and calming.  But I can see how beneficial this service could be as I read through it on my "bad" days.  When my day is at it's lowest; when I can see no reason for moving forward another step; when I'm not sure what my purpose is, I can read this service and very easily be re-centered.  I can be reminded of whose I am and who I am through my baptism.  I can be reminded of Job and all of his troubles, yet how he, through faith, was able to focus on the prize at the end of it all.  I can be reminded of my family in faith as I read the Creed and the Lord's Prayer.  I can be reminded of the promises of my Lord and the gift of Heaven I have been given because of His love for me.  And as the benediction reads at the end of the service, I can "go forth in peace, in the name of the Lord. Amen."



A Reflection on 1 Thess. 5:16-18

"Rejoice always, pray without ceasing, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you."

I find joy in a garden walk with my mother.  We talk about what she has planted.  We share our gardening hopes and dreams.  She teaches me what she knows.  I benefit from her wisdom.

I find joy in observing my sons.  JoJo teaches Mouse how to hold a baseball bat properly.  He shows him how to "squish the bug" when his back foot rotates.  Bud finds new patience with JoJo and even makes him laugh. The three of them run into the house with shouts of, "That was fun!  Let's play it tomorrow!"

I find joy in a stolen moment of quiet on my back patio where I read in secret.

I pray the Lord's Prayer several times daily; it has become habit now and I welcome that. 

I pray for my family.  For my boys that they may grow in their faith and knowledge of God; for my husband that he may continue to serve the Lord faithfully and rightly.  For myself that I may continue to learn God's will for my life and know the contentment that brings.

I pray for the Spirit to intervene for me during those times I know I should pray, but just can't bring myself to do it.  For whatever reason.  And for those time the words won't come.

I give thanks for my love of cooking and baking, even when I complain about having to do it, for I am providing my family with something good.  And they are thankful for that!

I give thanks for the times Hubby is gone so much, for this makes us cherish the times our family IS together.

I give thanks for an unbearably hot summer, for this makes me relish the long awaited cool morning that brings relief and joy.

I know a bit more about God's will in Christ Jesus for me.  All things are in His control, and held gently in His hands.  I am among those things.  Through the challenges and disappointments this sinful world holds in store for us, God works good.  I learn to trust Him, because He is faithful and He will see me through to the end just as He has done so many times before.  He makes no mistakes and this includes where He has put me.  Staying at home to raise my boys, sending them to school,  bringing them to church, making our home a haven for all who live and enter here, being a helpmeet to my husband...this is where He has put me.  And it is good and pleasing to Him.  As I reflect on these things, I find myself excited and  hopeful about what else He has in store for me; for us.  My anxiety wanes.  I am at peace.

Rejoice!

Reflecting...and refilling

I hate the sneak attacks.  The ones that hit out of nowhere.  I've written about this before, but I guess I'm still searching for an answer.  If I understood why this happened, I could handle it better.  But then it wouldn't be a sneak attack.  And if I could handle it better, it wouldn't be depression.  I've heard the clinical reasons so many times.  "It's not you, it's your body chemistry."  And then the loving reminders, "Are you taking your meds?"  But this doesn't help me UNDERSTAND!  And that's all I want.  To understand.  I feel like M'Lynn from "Steel Magnolias" when she is in turmoil at the graveside of her daughter.  Her face is twisted in pain and anger as she beats her fists in the air, screaming, "I want to know WHY?!  WHY?!"  I thank God I am not dealing with the death of a child, but my question remains the same.  WHY?!

When Satan gets a foothold, he has a heyday. My downward spiral looks something like this. 

My mothering techniques are lacking.  I need to do more with my children.  The public school no longer has them.  I now have them.  How come I cannot find anything to do with them?  Other mothers have them all year and always find things to do.  What is wrong with me as a mother?  I used to be so creative. 

My writing techniques are lacking.  In fact they stink.  Other bloggers do so much better than me.  Other women find their work(s) published and useful and admired.  Mine will never be.  Another dream never realized.  I have no discipline. 

My homemaker skills are lacking.  I can't stick to writing menus.  When I do have a menu I don't follow it because I don't "feel" like it.  My ironing pile grows and grows.  It mocks me every day.  My floors are sticky to the point of the boys complaining!  There are pile of crap and junk all over the place.  I can't find the joy in my home.

I don't think I'll ever understand.  Not in the way I wish to understand.  No answer can be given other than,  "It's your body chemistry.  Let yourself be and 'this too shall pass.'"   These kinds of days come and go, along with the days that are full of joy and success.  Maybe I really need to look in the mirror and sing to myself the song Hubs and I often sing to the boys.  "You can't always get what you want.  But if you try sometimes, you might find, you get what you need!"  Thank you, Rolling Stones.

here

What I need is patience...for myself.  What I need is to train my mind to reflect on the good days.  What I need is to listen to Hubs.  What I need is to know that I am forgiven.  What I need is to soak in the grace of God.  And then I find, I do get what I need.

Do you find that, too?  Do you get what you need?  Can I refill your cup?  You, too, are forgiven.  You, too, can soak up God's grace.  You, too, are God's child and you, too, belong to Him.

My cup runneth over.

A Homecoming

From my emotions to God's Grace

My Hubs is back state side now.  I'm so relieved!  I got an email from him over the weekend that he was awaiting  a flight to Amsterdam.  My reaction was not one of joy at his final homecoming, but of shock that he was coming home so soon.  Does that sound backwards?  I think so.  Joy should be the first reaction.  Joy should be the only reaction.  Why the shock?  Because I didnt' expect him to start his trek homeward until today.  I waited for the joy to come but it didn't.  What followed was anger.  Anger because he would be home, in our country, by Sunday.  But not home with me until Wednesday.  Something in that equation did not settle right with me.  I was quite furious, actually.  And that is embarrassing to say, but I say it anyway because writing helps me to sort out the whys and wherefores of myself.  Furious, yes, because his parents and his sister will be the ones to share his first days home. 

I have learned that anger is a secondary emotion.  This means that there is some other feeling from which anger grows.  When I feel angry I usually find myself doing a little self-evaluation.  What's causing this anger?  What is the "real deal" here?  I think this time it's obvious.  Although I didn't acknowledge it right away.  It's jealousy, pure and simple.  Hubs is with someone else and not with me.  Not with his boyos.  Not at home.  He is safe.  And I am so very thankful for that.  He is with family, where he will be loved and cared for.  And I am so very thankful for that.  But I am jealous.

So today I pray a prayer of thanksgiving for the safe return of Hubs and his father.  And as I do so, the grace of God works within me to ease the jealousy out of me.  I still miss him.  I still long for him to be here and not there.  But he's home!  And one more plane ride from now (a safe one, I pray), he'll be in our home.

Worry Wart

Worrywart, n. :
 one who worries excessively
 and needlessly.



I might safely say that this has been me on several occassions.  Full of "what if's" and "Yeah, but's", I can think a situation to death and talk myself out of almost anything.  I can also turn what would be a fairly benign situation into a potential plague that might just destroy me!  I'm a thinker.  And that is not a bad thing; it can just get me into trouble now and again.

Still chewing through Grace Upon Grace, I read some gems on worry.

"Most of us, unless we are singularly serene, spend much time and energy in worrying, an activity that accomplishes little or nothing because it presupposes that the success of our relationships and work depends entirely on us and on our plans."  (pg. 181)

Did you catch the italicized part?  How true that is.  If I do this, then....  If I remember to tell him this, then..  If I can show her that...  If I...   If I...  If I...  Then the worry starts.  And I don't know about you, but when I reallly get to worrying, I start to feel alone.  Now if that's not Satan at work!  He gets you to worry then makes you feel alone.  How can anything get any better after that?  Here's another gem from Grace Upon Grace:

"...like guilt and shame, worry is a gift from God; He uses it to make us aware of our needs and our dependence on His gracious provision for us in everything." (pg 181)

Again, the italics.  Worry, a gift?  I had to stop there for a moment and let it sink in.  That put a whole new twist on it for me.  When I consider worry a gift, I consider the One who takes the worry away.  I consider the One who provides for all my needs. Worry can have us in three places at once, the past, the present and the future.  We miss what God has  given us, is doing for us, NOW.  Turn the worrying into thanksgiving.

"Our worries fall back into place once we give thanks.  (St.) Paul therefore urges us to use our worries as a God-given catalyst for daily thanksgiving and prayer.  That's how God's grace turns us into people who practice the daily art of prayer."  (pg 181)

Am I still going to worry?  You bet!  I'll worry with the best of them.  But I think learning this will help to keep the worry at bay. And, what a blessing, it will cause me to pray.  Because now every time I worry I will think of giving thanks.  I may even lose the self-given title of "worrywart".  Maybe a "worrry beauty mark" instead. 

True Love

This morning, after the boyos left for school, I went upstairs to change.  I got waylaid by the light that was left on in JoJo's and Mouse's bedroom.  I went in to turn it off as I've done so many, many times before.  I crossed the room to shut off their radio and open the curtains, and it hit me.  I love my boys so much.  Sometimes the amount of love I feel for them overwhelms me and I can't help but smile.  Even when they leave their lights on and the radio is still singing away.  Even when the dirty clothes are anywhere but the laundry basket.  Even when their room smells like BOY.  Dirty...sweaty.  And I love it.

 And then there's Bud.  That boy is growing up so fast.  I think he's taller than me now.  It makes it strange when I have to discipline him.  I had to the other day and I almost started laughing at the oddity of it.  Guess I'll have to start sitting him down from now on.  So much of the time, though, he is a joy.  He makes me so proud!  More and more of his decisions are showing thought and consideration for others.  Less and less are self-centered.  He babysat his brothers the other day while Hubby and I went to see a high school production of Phantom of the Opera (excellent, by the way).  I was terribly nervous, but he did well.  I guess I knew he would, but a mother's mind can get away from her sometimes and start to think the worst.  He remembered our rules and cared for his brothers.  What more could I ask for?   I'm not ready to leave them home alone in the evening though.  It's different. 

The overpowering sense of pride and love for my boys makes it all worth it.  All the worrying, all the frustration, all the disappointment.  That is all so little, so temporary in the scheme of things.  They are good boys.  They know that Jesus died for them and that every one of their sins is forgiven.  They are my most precious gifts from Heaven.  And I'm thankful I can call them my sons.  My Heavenly Father lavishes me with His grace.

The Snappiness of Me

So I did it.  Again.  I snapped at Mouse who was just wanting a hug. 

The thing is, I was in the middle of writing.  Of composing.  Of putting together adult sentences complete with multisyllabic words.  And I was interrupted for a little thing like a hug.  I couldn't believe it!  Could he not see that I was typing away right next to him?  Could he not tell that my mind, and my hands, were occupied?  Why did he have to choose such a time to ask for a hug?!

Oh the rush of emotions that flooded through me in a matter of seconds.  Anger.  Frustration.  Confusion.  Denial.  Guilt. 

My little Mouse is sick.  Has been for two days.  Just a low grade fever, but enough to keep him down and out.  All he wanted was a hug from his Mommy.  He's so patient to listen to my impatient crys of, "Just give me a minute!  I'm trying to write something down."   This is the same child who told me a few days ago, "You're the best mom, Mommy.  Even when you are grumpy." 

Isn't that how God deals with me?  He waits, patiently, until I have time for Him.  He watches while I busy myself with things that "can't wait".  He remains faithful to the very end.  He knows that His love for me will bring me back around.  He does not give up on me.  He floods me with grace.

Oh, the innocence of children.  Oh, the mightiness of our God.  Oh, the lessons He teaches me while I sit on my couch.  I'm thankful He waits for me with open arms.

It's Good to be Queen

Isn't this a cool coffee mug?!  Cookies on hand and ready to dunk at your convenience.  Love it!  Now where would I find one of these...

If you stepped into my kitchen you would see I have a sign that reads, "It's Good to be Queen".  I saw it at one of those little crafty gift shops.  You know the kind...they sell candles and crafted items, maybe someones homemade fudge, some plants and flowers, maybe even a few antiques.  The kind of shop that's just fun to wander through now and then because they change their items and their decor with the seasons.  Anyway, I saw that sign and I had to have it.  It serves as a good reminder no matter what kind of day I'm having.

If it's a good day, one in which I am happy to do my chores, happy to manage my household, happy to "rule my roost" then the sign confirms my state of mind.  It IS good to be queen!  And when my little princes get home, I'm putting them to work in their own little corners of my kingdom because those corners - called bedrooms - are disastrous!

Other days are not so good.  I might dread the ironing pile, the dishes left from last night, cooking supper for my picky eater only to hear him say, "I don't really think I like..."  I don't want to be queen, I don't want any more responsibilities, I don't want my workload.  I want to sleep.  That is when the purpose of the sign is different. 

"It's GOOD to be queen." 

This is my God given vocation and it is good.  I may not like all of it.  I don't have to like all of it.  But it is good, because it comes from God.  He has gifted me with my hubby and my boyos, with this home and all that is in it.  He has gifted me with the ability to be at home and care for it all.  It is GOOD to be doing this, even if I don't like it. 

Then my perspective changes...

I see God's grace...

I exhale...

and tackle that nasty pile of ironing.

A Sign for the Times

I was on my home from the gym the other day and saw this sign on the highway:

For some reason I thought, "Boy, that'd be a good sign to put outside the door to church."  It might just serve as a very good visual reminder of what divine service is all about.  Stopping our lives and receiving Christ.  Hm.  Maybe I should look into getting my hands on one of those. 

Our lives are so hectic, so filled with things to be done and places to go and filling the needs of others.  Why, then, do we find it so hard to "Stop" on Sunday mornings?  We are given permission to be lazy.  Wow!  I love that.  Just sit, don't do anything.  "Sit and receive," says our God.  "Let me fill you for a change.  Let the world outside do without you for a little while.  It will survive.  Sit, and be with Me.  Let Me be with you.  Let me feed you and refresh you for the week ahead." 

Be Prepared to Stop.

Heaviness

I'm feeling heavy today.  I went to the gym this morning, got weighed and measured, and the numbers are going down (yea!).  It's not a physical heaviness I feel.  It's an inner heaviness.  I hate days like this.

The heaviness wasn't with me earlier this morning. 
     Not even earlier this afternoon. 
          It sneaks up on me.  
               And it always, always catches me off guard.

I wonder for a long while what is wrong with me.  I go through the self scoldings of, "Get over it.  Get back on track. Your list for the day isn't done yet."  Then I sit, because I just can't get myself to do anything else. 

Slowly the reality of it comes into focus.  It's just the depression displaying its ugly head.  I really can't say it "rears" it's ugly head.  It used to do that.  Now it's more subtle.  Just reminding me that it is still there.

 And then I am content to just sit...and let myself be sad for a while.  I stop berating myself; stop finding fault with myself.  I just exist for a while.  Slowly, the depression colored glasses slip off and I begin to see more clearly what is real.  Because with the glasses on, the reality I see is not the reality that is before me.  The reality that is before me is this:


"Satan, hear this proclamation: I am baptized into Christ!
Drop your ugly accusation, I am not so soon enticed.
Now that to the font I've traveled, All your might has come unraveled,
And, against your tyranny, God, my Lord, unites with me!"
                    (vs. 3 of "God's Own Child I Gladly Say It"  Lutheran Service Book pg 594)


When I am reminded of these words, I am reminded of who I really am.  Of how God sees me.  And how very, very different it is from how I see myself.  Especially this afternoon.  How glad I am for the gift of His Spirit and the clearness with which He helps me to see.

Grace, Grace and more Grace

I am reading this book:
Grace Upon Grace by John Kleinig
It's taking me a while to get through it because, although it is easy to understand, it is full of gems that need digesting.  While I'm on my private retreat (mentioned in my previous post) I've curled up in a chair many times to read it and find new gems.  What is sticking with me today is how easy it is for us to receive God's grace.  We sing a hymn, we receive His grace.  We pray, we receive His grace.  We attend Divine Service, we receive His grace.  Any time we are exposed to His Word, we receive His grace!  What a gift!  And when we receive His grace, we receive His Holy Spirit.  And when we are filled with the Holy Spirit we are filled with the desire to do pleasing works.  Which takes us back to praying, singing, attending Divine Service as well as the works that help our neighbor.  It's a wonderful cycle that God started for us at our Baptism when He gave us His Holy Spirit.  I just love it!  It's  a cycle that I don't have to be conscious of.  By that I mean I don't have to keep it going. I don't have to be sure I stay on track.  God produces the desire to go to church.  There I am filled and fed with His Word.  And the desire to return to be filled and fed again. 
Enough. 
I like the book!