A Conversation

"But I can't forgive," you say.  "The hurt is too real, too strong.

How can I forgive when the hurt is still there?"

If I forgive, am I not condoing the misdeed?  Am I not saying, what you chose was right?  When in reality, the choice was painful for me and for others?"

If I forgive, I feel walked on once again.  Taken for granted once again.  Less important than everything else."

If I forgive, I make myself vulnerable to being hurt again.  I lose this stone wall being built around my heart.  I lose the coldness in my soul."



My dear, dear friend.  You have just hit upon the very benefits of forgiving.  The stones begin to crumble.  The cold is replaced by the warmth of love.  Forgiving is seldom easy.  Welcome to living a life with Christ, who forgives you so that you may forgive others.

A Homecoming

From my emotions to God's Grace

My Hubs is back state side now.  I'm so relieved!  I got an email from him over the weekend that he was awaiting  a flight to Amsterdam.  My reaction was not one of joy at his final homecoming, but of shock that he was coming home so soon.  Does that sound backwards?  I think so.  Joy should be the first reaction.  Joy should be the only reaction.  Why the shock?  Because I didnt' expect him to start his trek homeward until today.  I waited for the joy to come but it didn't.  What followed was anger.  Anger because he would be home, in our country, by Sunday.  But not home with me until Wednesday.  Something in that equation did not settle right with me.  I was quite furious, actually.  And that is embarrassing to say, but I say it anyway because writing helps me to sort out the whys and wherefores of myself.  Furious, yes, because his parents and his sister will be the ones to share his first days home. 

I have learned that anger is a secondary emotion.  This means that there is some other feeling from which anger grows.  When I feel angry I usually find myself doing a little self-evaluation.  What's causing this anger?  What is the "real deal" here?  I think this time it's obvious.  Although I didn't acknowledge it right away.  It's jealousy, pure and simple.  Hubs is with someone else and not with me.  Not with his boyos.  Not at home.  He is safe.  And I am so very thankful for that.  He is with family, where he will be loved and cared for.  And I am so very thankful for that.  But I am jealous.

So today I pray a prayer of thanksgiving for the safe return of Hubs and his father.  And as I do so, the grace of God works within me to ease the jealousy out of me.  I still miss him.  I still long for him to be here and not there.  But he's home!  And one more plane ride from now (a safe one, I pray), he'll be in our home.

Ignorance

Do they know the pain they cause? 
                                                   I'm sure it's unintentional.

Do they know how much was invested? 
                                                   I'm sure they've no idea. 

Do they know of the hopes that have been forgotten? 
                                                   They can't possibly.

Do they know of the loneliness they leave in their wake? 
                                                    Definitely not.

"Father, forgive them..."

Teach me to forgive.


(newly written, on old ideas)

The Snappiness of Me

So I did it.  Again.  I snapped at Mouse who was just wanting a hug. 

The thing is, I was in the middle of writing.  Of composing.  Of putting together adult sentences complete with multisyllabic words.  And I was interrupted for a little thing like a hug.  I couldn't believe it!  Could he not see that I was typing away right next to him?  Could he not tell that my mind, and my hands, were occupied?  Why did he have to choose such a time to ask for a hug?!

Oh the rush of emotions that flooded through me in a matter of seconds.  Anger.  Frustration.  Confusion.  Denial.  Guilt. 

My little Mouse is sick.  Has been for two days.  Just a low grade fever, but enough to keep him down and out.  All he wanted was a hug from his Mommy.  He's so patient to listen to my impatient crys of, "Just give me a minute!  I'm trying to write something down."   This is the same child who told me a few days ago, "You're the best mom, Mommy.  Even when you are grumpy." 

Isn't that how God deals with me?  He waits, patiently, until I have time for Him.  He watches while I busy myself with things that "can't wait".  He remains faithful to the very end.  He knows that His love for me will bring me back around.  He does not give up on me.  He floods me with grace.

Oh, the innocence of children.  Oh, the mightiness of our God.  Oh, the lessons He teaches me while I sit on my couch.  I'm thankful He waits for me with open arms.