Monday, May 21, 2012
A Homecoming
From my emotions to God's Grace
My Hubs is back state side now. I'm so relieved! I got an email from him over the weekend that he was awaiting a flight to Amsterdam. My reaction was not one of joy at his final homecoming, but of shock that he was coming home so soon. Does that sound backwards? I think so. Joy should be the first reaction. Joy should be the only reaction. Why the shock? Because I didnt' expect him to start his trek homeward until today. I waited for the joy to come but it didn't. What followed was anger. Anger because he would be home, in our country, by Sunday. But not home with me until Wednesday. Something in that equation did not settle right with me. I was quite furious, actually. And that is embarrassing to say, but I say it anyway because writing helps me to sort out the whys and wherefores of myself. Furious, yes, because his parents and his sister will be the ones to share his first days home.
I have learned that anger is a secondary emotion. This means that there is some other feeling from which anger grows. When I feel angry I usually find myself doing a little self-evaluation. What's causing this anger? What is the "real deal" here? I think this time it's obvious. Although I didn't acknowledge it right away. It's jealousy, pure and simple. Hubs is with someone else and not with me. Not with his boyos. Not at home. He is safe. And I am so very thankful for that. He is with family, where he will be loved and cared for. And I am so very thankful for that. But I am jealous.
So today I pray a prayer of thanksgiving for the safe return of Hubs and his father. And as I do so, the grace of God works within me to ease the jealousy out of me. I still miss him. I still long for him to be here and not there. But he's home! And one more plane ride from now (a safe one, I pray), he'll be in our home.
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I so very much relate to this post! When my husband was in the army (2 deployments) I went through this on a regular basis... the anger and frustration at having to SHARE him- both before he left and when he came home! It's a hard thing to admit that it is just basic jealousy... but I think you are right. So hard to be 'generous' with the time and attention of those we love!
ReplyDelete"ease the jealousy out of me" ... I love that phrase.
Prayers for you as you wait and anticipate his return home!
Army! That is something in a category all it's own, I think. My dear sister-in-law is married to an army guy and he's had his fair share of deployments. Quite long ones. As I wrote, the thoughts went through my head of how I might have no room to speak. What I have waited for is nothing compared to the wait and worry of your man being gone over a year and in battle.
DeleteThanks for the prayers.
Your honesty and raw emotion hit the spot, my dear. You also are fully aware that the anger flows from another emotion - jealousy. You nailed it, and I can relate to that so many times. Thanks for reminding me of the blessing of family for Hubs and his father. The time he'll spend with his parents is special, and he'll be able to share that with you too. In a few short days.
ReplyDeleteGlad you survived while he was gone.
It's so hard to share them, isn't it? The members at church are so anxious for him to be home. The demands on his time will start all too quickly. Thank you for the kind words of encouragment! You are SO good at that! :)
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