My Buttons

When I was a kid I collected buttons.  The pin-back buttons, not the sewing buttons.  I've forgotten most of them but I think I had one that was New Kids on the Block.  I wasn't even a fan, but I had a button.  I'm not sure what happened to them.  My mom might have them stashed away somewhere.  Maybe I should relieve her of that particular collection....

Here are some from my virtual collection. 

 



A Tolkien quote from LOTR I happen to agree with.




No one does funny like Lucy.

Some days I just want to slam the book on life's lessons, you know?




Any surprise?

Uh, yup!

True Love




 

 



 

Meanderings of My Mind

...see if you can keep up.

The new year always gets me thinking about resolutions.  Not necessarily because I want to make one, or even twenty, but because they are what everyone else is talking about.  New year, new chances, new opportunities, new promises to ourselves and everyone else.  I never make resolutions because I never keep them.  And who wants the disappointment right?  Not me.  I have this fear of failure and of making a fool of myself.  So, inevitably, I don't try.  Then days like today hit and I begin to question my impact on the world around me.  What contributions have I made?  And I list in my head all the people I know who have bettered themselves, or those around them. 
                People who have continued their education and earned further degrees.
                People who have written articles, even books, that have impacted others.
                People who excel in every aspect of their vocations.
                People who, when they speak, cause others listen.

I reflect on my life and what I have done.  I am not impressed.  Maybe I am not alone in saying this.  Maybe it is a common malady.  I don't say it out of self-pity; not anymore at least.  I say it out of reflection and honest opinion.  But maybe that is what we are to think of our own lives.  If we do impress ourselves with our own works, that could lead us down a road we don't want to travel.  So do I remind myself to be content with what I am doing and where I am?  Or do I hunt for the courage to step foot on a new path?  I guess it depends on where that new path is going.  Where do I see this new path leading?  Is it for selfish gain and satisfaction, or is it for the joy and betterment of others? 

I want to write stories.  I want to write stories for children, plus I have a mystery or two in my head.  And a book about being a mother and wife.  That's the new path I'm hinting at.  I've taken a writing course and I have a story ready to submit to a magazine.  I've had it ready for months now.  It's safe in my laptop's memory, patiently waiting to be printed and mailed away.  Such a cooperative little story!  But I don't feel that it's anything special.  Nothing to write home about, as they say.  And I think to myself, why do I want it published?  Because I want to "be published?"  Because I want recognition as "a writer?"  Yep, I do.  Selfish of me?  Yep, it is.  Might kids enjoy the story?  Yep, I guess they might.  Jo-Jo likes it. 

But then I think about the talents and gifts God gives us.  He gives them for a reason.  If I have stories in my head that I want to write, why not share them with others?  Maybe the selfish thing would be to write them and then keep them to myself.  Or, worse yet, to never write them.  Satan sure does have fun with me.  He finds all kinds of new ways to keep me down and cause me to doubt my importance.  Will anything come of this?  How can I know.  I think that is another personal haunt of mine; the need to know I will be safe in putting myself  "out there."  But I think I have decided that I will take that step this week, of printing and mailing my first story.  Maybe, pessimist that I am, I need to set the goal of receiving my very first rejection letter.  I'll frame it and hang it proudly in my room.  It will signify the courage I found to take the first step.  I'll keep you informed.

Well He knows what best to grant me;

All the longing hopes that haunt me,

Joy and sorrow, have their day.

I shall doubt His wisdom never;

As God wills, so be it ever;

I commit to Him my way.

 

LSB 732, vs.5

 

 

Forever Fragile

The problem with having a chronic illness is that it somehow, strangely, begins to define who you are.   At least, that’s what I’ve found to be true with depression.  When I was in the throes of it, I truly felt fragile; like I could break apart at any moment, for no reason at all.  I was made of glass and might shatter at a touch, a word, a look.  Nothing could predict when it might happen.  I remember sitting at the ironing board one afternoon, no energy to stand, trying to do something productive, when a wave of sadness crushed me instantly.  I broke.  My head fell into my hands and I wept.  Why, I do not know.  I was fragile.  And I was angry because of it.  Where did this fragility come from?  Why did I have to suffer with it?  How would I regain control?  Could I regain control?

It's several years later and I have regained control, but I still have the label.  And I will always be managing the depression.  But I also have to manage the image that comes with it.  With a chronic illness there is always an image.  And we are all guilty of staring at that image at one time or another. 

Think about those with cancer.  We stare, quietly, wondering what it’s like to be them.  “How do they manage?  What are they feeling?  Does the chemo hurt?  How sick do they get?” 

What about those with diabetes?  “How can they stand to give themselves shots every day?  Should they be eating that dessert?  What if they go into shock?” 

And what about those with heart disease, fibromyalgia, arthritis,  epilepsy, bi-polar, or depression?  We quietly worry about that person having…an “episode” – whatever that might be.  We worry and want him or her to remain safe and healthy. We want to offer as much protection as we can. Funny thing is, we have no control over that person’s illness.  The only thing we have control over is our self; what we think, what we say, how we love.

I don’t want to be viewed as fragile.  I want to make it known to everyone around me, “Please!  No wearing of the kid gloves, no treading on eggshells.  Just be yourself!”  Sometimes I think what I see is a restricted version of selves.  I guess there is a certain pressure that comes with “being yourself.”  The intermittent worry one might have of, “How am I doing?”  If you find yourself choosing words carefully, avoiding certain topics, deciding for your friend what he/she can or cannot handle…you are probably not being yourself. 

Truth is, I'm not fragile.  I think I'm pretty solid if I do say so myself.  I have been through hell and back due to this depression.  I admit, I have my down days but nothing that leaves me feeling so fragile as I did before.  And if people want to know what it was like or how I’m handling it now, it's ok to ask.  I would be so happy to share. 

But I’m not strong; not in the eyes of society.  I have a chronic illness and I will be viewed as forever fragile.

 

*Let it be known that these views are my own.  These statements are not meant to blanket any chronic illness.  My feelings do not dictate the feelings of others who might also be suffering with some type of illness.  These views and these feelings are my own and no one else’s.  I did not write this with intent to hurt, harm, or offend.

A Reflection on 1 Thess. 5:16-18

"Rejoice always, pray without ceasing, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you."

I find joy in a garden walk with my mother.  We talk about what she has planted.  We share our gardening hopes and dreams.  She teaches me what she knows.  I benefit from her wisdom.

I find joy in observing my sons.  JoJo teaches Mouse how to hold a baseball bat properly.  He shows him how to "squish the bug" when his back foot rotates.  Bud finds new patience with JoJo and even makes him laugh. The three of them run into the house with shouts of, "That was fun!  Let's play it tomorrow!"

I find joy in a stolen moment of quiet on my back patio where I read in secret.

I pray the Lord's Prayer several times daily; it has become habit now and I welcome that. 

I pray for my family.  For my boys that they may grow in their faith and knowledge of God; for my husband that he may continue to serve the Lord faithfully and rightly.  For myself that I may continue to learn God's will for my life and know the contentment that brings.

I pray for the Spirit to intervene for me during those times I know I should pray, but just can't bring myself to do it.  For whatever reason.  And for those time the words won't come.

I give thanks for my love of cooking and baking, even when I complain about having to do it, for I am providing my family with something good.  And they are thankful for that!

I give thanks for the times Hubby is gone so much, for this makes us cherish the times our family IS together.

I give thanks for an unbearably hot summer, for this makes me relish the long awaited cool morning that brings relief and joy.

I know a bit more about God's will in Christ Jesus for me.  All things are in His control, and held gently in His hands.  I am among those things.  Through the challenges and disappointments this sinful world holds in store for us, God works good.  I learn to trust Him, because He is faithful and He will see me through to the end just as He has done so many times before.  He makes no mistakes and this includes where He has put me.  Staying at home to raise my boys, sending them to school,  bringing them to church, making our home a haven for all who live and enter here, being a helpmeet to my husband...this is where He has put me.  And it is good and pleasing to Him.  As I reflect on these things, I find myself excited and  hopeful about what else He has in store for me; for us.  My anxiety wanes.  I am at peace.

She can turn on a dime!

Ever have a day when you try so hard to overcome your bad mood, and at every turn the bad mood seems to gain the upper hand?

Today is that day.

Stay away.

Stay far away.

Supporting the introvert

Here's the introvert in me.  I've been rereading yesterday's post and mulling it over in my head.  A little too much maybe, because I'm worried about possible offending some of you who are extroverts!  My intent is not to raise the introvert and lower the extrovert.  One is not better than the other.  My intent is just to raise the introvert.  That's it.  You extroverts are great!  I just felt the need to speak up for the little guys.  So are we OK?  Great!

On with the post!

This cracks me up, because it' so perfect!

How can you support your introverted friend or loved one?  Pretty easy, really.  Here are some things to think about.

1)  Give them time to observe for a while when in new situations.  We are not antisocial.  We need a chance to take things in.  Check out how many people are around, if we happen to know any of them, and where the bathroom is so we can "escape" for a while if we need to.  We are a little uncomfortable in new surroundings and we just like to get our bearings.  Please don't make us jump right into the middle of things.  Stay by our side for a while and we'll give you the A-OK after a minute.

2) Give them time to think; don't demand instant answers.  It's not that we are unintelligent.  It's not that we didn't hear you.  We just need time to process what was said, formulate our reply and then make it come out of our mouths.  Please be patient.  We aren't deliberately trying to frustrate the heck out of you!

3)  Don't interrupt.  Oh my, this is a biggie for me.  It follows right on the heels of number two.  Just because we finally get to talking doesn't mean it's all going to come out in a rush.  We pause and consider between thoughts just as we pause and consider before we even start.  Just because I took a breath doesn't mean I was done with what I had to say.  Sheesh!  But see, if you aren't an introvert you don't know this.  I'll address this issue later.

4)  Give a warning cry of some type before changing plans or activities.  I learned this one with Bud.  He shared with me once that he hates being interrupted while practicing his trumpet.  Even if it's for supper.  We just need time to adjust our thinking.  We need time to prepare the train to move from one track to the other.  Our train does not jump tracks, OK?  Sorry.  That's the way it is.

5)  Reprimand them privately.  A good one to remember if you have kids who are introverts.  Just think about how much we hate crowds.  Then think about how totally humiliating it would be to have a mistake pointed out IN FRONT OF THAT CROWD!  Even if the crowd is just your family.  The feeling of embarrassment is powerful.  It can overrule any feelings of regret for having done wrong and I don't think much will be learned.

6)  Don't expect them to have lots of friends.  This has been a tough one for me personally.  I've felt I was supposed to have lots of friends and an active social life.  Well, that's not who I am.  I have very few near and dear friends.  I think an introvert came up with the word "acquaintance".  I have lots of acquaintances and few friends.  Extroverts have tons of friends.  Just check their Facebook page!  Introverts, do you "friend" everyone, or are you choosy?  I bet you're choosy.  We don't want everyone peeking into our lives.  Social networking is almost an evil for us introverts.  Even the phrase gives me the shudders...

7)  Don't try to change them.  There really is nothing wrong with us.  Please respect who we are, what we need, and the ways we survive this crazy life. 

8)  Ask them to share their needs.  We probably won't tell you what we need.  We probably won't say as we walk in the door to a noisy party, "Hey, give me a minute or two to take in my new surroundings."  So you are going to have to ask us what will be helpful.  And you introverts who are reading this:  Take some time to talk to your loved ones.  As much as it would help, as much as we would wish it to be so once in a while, no one can read our minds.  You are going to have to find words to explain your needs.  It will NOT be helpful to hand this list to someone and expect them to make your life easier.  You will have to do some work, too.  You can do it!  And it helps so much.

Being an Introvert

Introvert or extrovert?  Do you know which one you are?  My guess is, if you are an introvert and you know it, that you might feel a bit ashamed because of it.  Or that if you are an extrovert, you might feel a bit of relief that you're not an introvert.  Along with being an introvert comes the stigma of being shy, antisocial, a wallflower.  On the other end of the spectrum are the extroverts who are seen as the life of the party, the movers and shakers, the people we all look up to.  While these descriptions might be true, this does not lessen the importance of the introvert. I have learned that being an introvert does not define me, it simply describes me.

I knew I loved Audrey for a reason!

What is an introvert?  Simply put, an introvert is a person who needs to find some time alone in order to recharge the inner battery.  Quiet and solitude are what motivates this person and provides energy to meet the day.  Now, this is not to say that an introvert always needs to be alone or cannot tolerate noise. This is just what is needed after putting herself out there for a length of time.  For example, weekends tend to do me in.  The boyos are home from school, which is a good thing!  Please don't misunderstand me.  It just puts 5 people in our tiny house for 48+ hours (and only the introvert can relate to this!).  Add to that being at church for a few hours on Sunday where I float in a sea of people.  Again, being at church is a good thing, a needed thing.  But it also puts me "out there".  It's just a fact.  So when Monday rolls around I am more than happy to kiss my boyos and Hubby goodbye...and enjoy my quiet house all...day...long.  I might run errands, but I do it in a kind of fog.  I do it "in my own world".  I enjoy being on my own, accomplishing my tasks without having to talk to anyone.  And then at the end of the day when it's time for everyone to come home, I'm ready!

The extrovert, on the other hand, gets charged up by being with people.  Talking and mingling and sharing events of the day are energizing.  I don't get this AT ALL, but it's what I've learned and apparently it's true!  :)  Imagine the kitchen table at breakfast full of chatter and talk of plans for the day, maybe everyone sharing at the same time.  People talking over each other making sure everything gets said, from "pass the milk" to "don't forget I have practice after school."  This would look normal  and be energizing for the extrovert.  It might look normal to the introvert, too, but it would be chaotic.  The extrovert would be charged and ready to go.  The introvert would need to go back to bed!  Not because she was tired, but because she'd need a little quiet and a chance to restart the day.

Society tells us that being an extrovert is the way to go.  Extroverts get things done.  Extroverts get noticed.  From elementary schools to the workplace, it's the extrovert behavior that is encouraged.  The "cool kids", the popular crowd we all thought we wanted to be a part of....who were they?  The athletes who were out on the court or on the field.  The ones who went to the parties, to the dances, who sat in big groups at lunch.  The class presidents, the class clowns.  The ones with the big ideas, the ones who speak up first, who speak up the loudest.  Those are the ones we want as our leaders, don't you think?  But there is something to be said for the introverted behavior.  We think more and talk less.  We weigh situations before making decisions.  We have tremendous skill when it comes to observation.  We make the best listeners.  We have an eye for detail.  When we do offer an idea, it's usually well thought out and complete. 

So are you an introvert?  Or do you know someone who is?  Tomorrow I'll give you some ideas on caring for an introvert.  Nothing very profound.  Just some things I've learned along the way through my reading and...just living life as an introvert.

Blessings on your days ahead.

sadness

So much sadness around me today.  I sit in my sunny room, full of things that make me happy and all I feel is this cloud surrounding my head and shoulders.  It threatens to burst open and drench me in tears.

So many of my thoughts and feelings are sad today.

divorce of friends

lonlieness

disappointment in myself and others

restlessness

anger

I can't see how to get past it today.  The wind blows outside as it does so much in the spring.  I wish it would blow away this cloud of mine.

Please, come in...

Remember when I wrote about my quiet room?  Well, it's been anything but that lately.  No audible noise - but the level of clutter volume is sky high.  I can't find my lovely tables.  They had Christmas clutter on them and Valentine's day projects waiting to be started.  All of that is still there...and then some.  Come and see:

The Valentine's day projects have been started.  The Christmas clutter is getting dusty.  The pile of miscellaneous that needs to go to Goodwill is getting taller.  The beautiful boxes I found at Dollar General (!) to help with organizing are sitting on the table.  Empty.  Bags of new crafting goodies from Michaels/Hobby Lobby/ JoAnn's are hanging around.  Glue sticks, scissors, scraps of paper, punches, rubber stamps, jars of buttons, ink pads, and more all lay scattered on the table top.  Empty to-go cups from Starbucks and Panera sit piled and waiting to be turned into mini scrapbooks.  A gift I started for a dear friend sits waiting to be finished.  Colletions of memorabilia from scout events, music concerts, and other school programs wait to find their home.

This is not conducive to my peace of mind.  This is not conducive to my need to create beautiful, if not cute, things.  This stresses me and makes me moan as I grieve the loss of My Space. (moan, moan, whimper, whimper) 

And the thing is it's my own fault!  So why do I let it get this bad?  No, it gets this bad when I'm busy and that is ok.  The real question is, why do I let it STAY this bad?  I can't think here.  I can't write here. 

So I must make a change.

I will have the entire day on Monday to myself.  Hubby's gone out of town and the boyos will be at school.  Here's the plan.  I'll say "I love you" to the boyos and wave to them as they get on the bus.  I'll head to the gym.  And when I get home...watch out!  I'm tackling that room!  And if all I accomplish is moving everything from the horizontal surfaces to the floor, at least I will have done something.  I will have clean surfaces to work with. And then over the next several days I will be able to sort the good from the junk.  I will be able to toss said junk.  I will probably make the Goodwill pile a little bigger.  I will be able to reorganize the good and find new homes for it.  I will eventually have my tables back!  This excites me.  It really does. 

I hope to be able to show you a new room in about a week.  Does that sound do-able to you?  It does to me.  I have quite the motivation.  I WANT MY TABLES BACK!  And now I can hold myself accountable because the idea has left my head.  It is no longer hiding inside of me.  It has moved from "idea" to "plan". 

Here's to The Plan!



Meet my crew

I thought it might be nice to introduce you to my family.  I  might refer to them once in a while (she says sarcastically).

These cuties are my boyos (pronounced "boy-ohs").  This pic is about a year old, but I love it.

Bud is the oldest at 13.  JoJo is nine and Mouse is seven.

This next picture was taken by the rail post the day after Thanksgiving.  It did a good job, huh?  It was such a warm day that we headed out to hike around one of the beautiful state parks near us. 

Me and Hubby

Mouse, JoJo and Bud

My Quiet Room

I am fortunate enough to have, in this small home of ours, my own room; my own space.  It is the room that was, at one time, the pastor's study.  But there is a large, comfy office at the church which Hubby uses so this one at house is not needed.  Not by him anyway.  When we first moved in we dubbed the room "The Quiet Room".  One of it's walls is lined with bookshelves and cupboards.  We filled them quickly.  A rocker recliner sits in the corner.  There are two windows in the room, one east facing, the other south facing.  It is warm and sunny most of the day.  So this became the place one could go when one needed to be quiet, to be alone, to cool off before abusing his brother.  "The Quiet Room."  It worked so well.

But my hubby soon realized that I had no place to call my own in this testosterone filled home.  I wanted to snatch up his offer to claim the room as my very own, but I was conflicted.  It seemed so selfish, so self-centered to take an entire room and call it mine.  "Mine!"  One of my least favorite words when the boyos were little.  Shouldn't it remain something the whole family could use?  Shouldn't it remain a sanctuary for anyone who needs it?  But dear Hubby is protective of me and my need for space now and then.  So I took him up on his offer.  Eventually the room was painted, my dad built an addition to my work table (now I have an L-shaped work space), my father in law cut and hung peg board for me and Hubby hung more shelves.  I've had fun dreaming about what else I'd like to do.  Lots of that dreaming ends up on Pinterest.  Such great ideas there!  But what I really like most about the room is that it is still used by everyone.  Every one of my testosterone filled guys has found a need to be in my room.  "Can I use your room for a while?"  "Is it OK if I sit in the quiet room?"  "Can I craft with you, Mommy?"  And how do I say "no" to that?  I am so happy to share it when it's needed for the purpose we first intended it.  (Not so happy when the littler boyos want to break out the Playdoh!)   And one day, I'll get to work on this room again.  Soon, I hope.  Because it needs it!  There is no clear surface on that great L-shaped table.  Remnants from Christmas projects.  Supplies for Valentine's Day projects.  Things that need to go to Goodwill.  In my room is where I toss all the clutter.  Is that self abuse?  I don't know.  I just know it gets it out of the living room and off the dining room table.

Do you have a space to call your own?