I'm feeling heavy today. I went to the gym this morning, got weighed and measured, and the numbers are going down (yea!). It's not a physical heaviness I feel. It's an inner heaviness. I hate days like this.
The heaviness wasn't with me earlier this morning.
Not even earlier this afternoon.
It sneaks up on me.
And it always, always catches me off guard.
I wonder for a long while what is wrong with me. I go through the self scoldings of, "Get over it. Get back on track. Your list for the day isn't done yet." Then I sit, because I just can't get myself to do anything else.
Slowly the reality of it comes into focus. It's just the depression displaying its ugly head. I really can't say it "rears" it's ugly head. It used to do that. Now it's more subtle. Just reminding me that it is still there.
And then I am content to just sit...and let myself be sad for a while. I stop berating myself; stop finding fault with myself. I just exist for a while. Slowly, the depression colored glasses slip off and I begin to see more clearly what is real. Because with the glasses on, the reality I see is not the reality that is before me. The reality that is before me is this:
"Satan, hear this proclamation: I am baptized into Christ!
Drop your ugly accusation, I am not so soon enticed.
Now that to the font I've traveled, All your might has come unraveled,
And, against your tyranny, God, my Lord, unites with me!"
(vs. 3 of "God's Own Child I Gladly Say It" Lutheran Service Book pg 594)
When I am reminded of these words, I am reminded of who I really am. Of how God sees me. And how very, very different it is from how I see myself. Especially this afternoon. How glad I am for the gift of His Spirit and the clearness with which He helps me to see.
Hi Jenny! Did you know that your comments are set on 'no reply' so when you leave a comment, no one can reply unless they go thru the extra step of clicking thru to your profile? I just wanted to mention it in case you didn't know! Tzatziki is a creamy greek dip made with yogurt, cucumber and garlic. It's really great with breads and veggies meat. You can make your own or buy it at the grocery store! And think positive my dear! Winter will soon be over! Angie xo
ReplyDeleteThanks, Angie. I'm learning as I go.
DeleteWhat a great hymn to memorize. Satan, be gone!
ReplyDeleteGod's peace be with you, my friend.
Thank you, dear, friend.
DeleteAnd with you.
Hi Jenny! I think I would just google 'changing no reply settings on blogger' and you should find a tutorial on how to change it! I have seen some tutorials in blogland but I can't remember the sites otherwise I would link it for you! Wishing you a wonderful Sunday! Angie xo
ReplyDeleteThis is a great post. Depression does this to me sometimes too. A creep, a trickle... and it usually takes me awhile to figure out what's going on. (until I get to the point of "WHAT is WRONG with me today?!?") Great advice for getting through those days..
ReplyDeleteReminds me of this verse too: For thus said the Lord GOD, the Holy One of Israel, “In returning and rest you shall be saved; in quietness and in trust shall be your strength."
Isaiah 30:15
Returning and rest...quietness and trust. Excellent verse, Emily, thanks for sharing it. I will file it away. :)
DeleteWell Jenny, I don't know how to say this without it coming off as strange - your writing is beautiful. It just goes to show you have the power to take something as ugly as depression and turn it into a artful expression - I'd love to see you pick up a paint brush!
ReplyDelete